(RICHARD sits down next to JENNIFER at a bar)
RICHARD
Allow me to introduce myself!
JENNIFER
What's that on your neck?
RICHARD
My name's Richard and I just upgraded to Microsoft Tick XP!
JENNIFER
A tick?
RICHARD
Yes! Tick XP! It does everything!
JENNIFER
Oh really.
RICHARD
It handles my appointments, contacts, e-mail, you name it! For example, your name is Jennifer, right?
JENNIFER
Wow, yes...
RICHARD
And your birthday is... July 6, and your phone number is... 630-810-1602.
JENNIFER
OK, that's pretty good, except I moved a couple months ago and...
RICHARD
If you had Tick XP our ticks would be exchanging and updating our contact information right now, wirelessly, automatically!
JENNIFER
I already have an address book. It works OK for me.
RICHARD
That's not all it does! Tick XP manages my stock portfolio, integrates with my cell phone, checks my voice mail, plays MP3s and online games! You've gotta get this!
JENNIFER
I don't know if I need all that stuff.
RICHARD
Seriously, I mean you've got to get this. If your current PC doesn't require MS Tick, your next one will.
JENNIFER
But I don't have a computer.
RICHARD
You really need Tick XP to take advantage of all the latest innovations in Active Media, Web Services, and wireless communications.
JENNIFER
It's kinda, uh, bloated-looking...
RICHARD
Oh, but it's better than ever! It's end-user programmable with VisualTickScript. I have mine set to move to a different part of my body every day at 3 AM. Sometimes you can't even see it!
JENNIFER
Can you make it so I can't see it now?
RICHARD
When you've got it, flaunt it, baby! Tick XP is introducing us to a new world where Tick XP permeates everything we do, from the way we work, play, eat, survive...
(loudly)
WOULD YOU LIKE TO AMPLIFY YOUR JOHNSON?JENNIFER
Excuse me!?
RICHARD
Sorry! A spam got through.
(FRANKLIN approaches RICHARD)
FRANKLIN
Hey, I think you owe this lady a better apology!
RICHARD
Spam, viruses, worms, Lyme disease... What're you gonna you do? As long as you keep up-to-date with your antibiotics and other medications, you're in pretty good shape, you know?
FRANKLIN
So I guess switching from MS-CRAP is out of the question?
RICHARD
I'm taking an iron pill for anemia. And Prozac for depression. And I smoked marijuana regularly from 1986 to 1994. And I tried PCP a few times in 1992.
JENNIFER
Why are you telling me this?
RICHARD
Information wants to be free! What do you want to know today? My favorite web sites are ESPN.com, Yahoo! Finance, and the premium area of Rotten.com. My mother's maiden name is Lawrence.
FRANKLIN
Hey Bill Gates Junior, why don't you shut up? It would be obvious she's not interested if you would let her get a few words in.
JENNIFER
(to FRANKLIN)
Thank you.
RICHARD
My pre-tax income last year was $62,410. I also use InstantTickMessenger to arrange private meet-ups with preteen girls!
FRANKLIN
(to JENNIFER)
Lemme take care this.
RICHARD
See how you can Have More Fun and Get More Done with Microsoft Tick XP!
(FRANKLIN rips the tick off RICHARD's neck, throws it on the ground and steps on it; RICHARD become unconsious
FRANKLIN
(scratching his crotch)
Hi, my name is Franklin and I just upgraded to Apple iCrabs!