(JOE and JUDITH are looking at paint color samples)
JUDITH
Come on Joe, we need to decide.
JOE
What's the use?
JUDITH
OK, we can go with one of the old standbys, but you have to pick one. Orange-red or grey-green.
JOE
You're mocking me again.
JUDITH
Oh really.
JOE
You know those are my two favorite colors. The colors of my greatest invention.
JUDITH
Yeah, yeah, "Joe Copper, inventor of copper". Everybody knows that!
JOE
You'd be surprised. As far as a lot of people are concerned, copper is just a color, like turquoise.
JUDITH
You know I love the colors of copper too, honey. So pick one.
JOE
My once mighty metal! Reduced to... Look, color isn't what puts food on the table, Jude.
JUDITH
What about those Coppertone royalties?
JOE
God damn that skin cancer! Nobody wants to get a tan anymore! And that ozone hole ain't getting any smaller!
JUDITH
But we still get paid! Don't you think the brownish-red copper would go better with the bedspread?
JOE
Oh yeah, one tenth of a cent for every bottle sold. Have you seen the checks lately? In this climate—literally!— we're getting like 80c a week anymore!
JUDITH
That's better than nothing, dear. You know we'll probably need new window treatments if we go with the grey-green.
JOE
They can't repay me for the blood, sweat, and tears I put into creating my metal. My element! Oh yeah, that's getting something for seemingly "nothing" all right.
JUDITH
Maybe if we went with something a little darker...
JOE
Pretty soon it won't be worth the postage and administrative costs to mail me that royalty check, and that day will be a dark day indeed.
JUDITH
Figuratively.
JOE
Right, it will probably be a very bright day, because even the mighty Sun-God Sol mocks Joe Copper.
JUDITH
There's always plumbing, right Joe?
JOE
Three letters for you: P V C. Plastics have taken over.
JUDITH
Maybe you should have listened to that guy in The Graduate.
JOE
Oh how right he was. It's easier to work with, it never corrodes, blah blah blah.
JUDITH
Cheaper too.
JOE
Don't remind me! Once again they're cuttin' ol' Joe Copper right out of the picture. Just like Ma Bell.
JUDITH
You're not still hung up on that.
JOE
Oh, you think it's so funny but you of all people should know not to joke with me about the phone company.
JUDITH
You know I only carry a cell phone for my safety. Now what finish do you like, semi-gloss or flat?
JOE
All that confounded wireless technology. How many miles of copper wire aren't being strung from poles for your "safety", huh? She who gives up essential copper wires for temporary safety deserves neither!
JUDITH
C'mon, you've got some new irons in the fire
JOE
Stop it already. That cure-all copper bracelet fad brought in some extra cash, sure, but snake-oil is a limited market.
JUDITH
Well I like them.
JOE
Our only hope is this new initiative to position copper as a new wrinkle-flattening miracle for middle-aged women.
(KID runs/skips onstage toward JOE)
KID
'Scuse me, mister, are you Joseph Copper, inventor of copper?
JOE
Uh, yes! Yes I am! Are you a fan of my metal?
KID
Sure! The Statue of Liberty is the best!
JOE
(getting a bit teary)
Kid, you're what makes me get outta bed in the morning, get my mail, and cash my ever-diminishing royalty checks for something I made eons ago. Thank you, thank you.
(reaches into his pocket)
Here's a genuine American pure-copper penny. Use it in good health.
JUDITH
(whispers to JOE)
Oh, don't be a cheapskate, Joe.
KID
Wow! A wheatie and everything! Mr. Copper?
JOE
Yes?
KID
Would you sign this for me?
JOE
You got it, kid.
(JOE gets out a pen and signs the penny and hands it back to KID)
KID
You know what Mr. Copper? I was wrong about the Statue of Liberty. It's not the best, you're the best!
(KID runs/skips offstage)
JOE
Wow. I'm better than the Status of Liberty! You hear that, Jude?
JUDITH
Yes, you're the best. So we're going with the brownish red, then?